


Sam's Hell

by oflittleuse



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-30
Updated: 2012-06-06
Packaged: 2017-10-30 07:54:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/329517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oflittleuse/pseuds/oflittleuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For a hundred-and-eighty years (Hell-time) Sam's soul has been down in the cage with Lucifer, Michael and Adam. Thank goodness for the rules ... otherwise Sam thinks he might have been in agony the entire time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on my FF.Net account (Ella M. Nite) during the 2010-2011 Winter Hiatus.

****

Prologue: Death's Arrival

* * *

Death was never surprised.

If he stretched his memory, and thought about his entire existence, he could think of only four times when he had been completely and truly shocked. He had never anticipated that collecting Samuel Winchester's soul from the deepest part of hell would be one of them.

As he went to enter the cage, he had thought that he knew exactly what to expect. Lucifer and Michael would be torturing the Winchester boys, ripping their flesh and souls apart in their frustration. When he heard the anguish scream he had not even flinched. In some small part of him, he fully believed the Winchester's had earned the right to be in hell – messing about with the natural order had consequences. Not that he was completely unfeeling towards them. After all, as long as Dean kept searching after the souls ... the boys had their uses.

Another anguished scream, followed by ... laughter? Perhaps Lucifer and Michael had finally cracked.

Turning the corner, ready for the bloody scene, Death's jaw actually dropped.

Sam, Adam, Michael and Lucifer sat cross-legged on the floor playing a card game.

"Just give me the five," Adam demanded angrily as Lucifer tossed his card down in frustration. Sam and Michael sat laughing as their siblings squabbled.

"You heard me ask Sam for that," Lucifer grumbled, none of them had yet realised Death had joined them.

"Well, so what bitch?" Adam smirked. "You're such a sore loser."

"What are you doing?" Death asked, causing the four of them to look up briefly from their seat.

"Playing go-fish," Michael replied calmly before continuing the game. "Sam, any aces?"

"Go fish," Sam said, his eyes darting back up to Death. "Um, so, what are you doing here?"

"I have come to collect your soul," Death said, gaining back his usual unruffled manner.

"Oh, so, um, you know where my body is?" Sam asked hopefully.

"Yes," Death gave Sam a chilling smile. "It's been topside for almost a year."

"Called it! We so called it" Adam said. "Pay up bitches."

Grumbling Lucifer and Sam reached into their pockets, Death watched in fascination as chocolate bars passed hands, with Michael and Adam receiving a pile of them for some unknown reason.

"Don't be such a sore loser baby brother," Michael smirked, taking a bite out of the candy. "You can't win them all."

"Wait," Sam said, eyeing Death speculatively. "Did Dean make a deal with you? Is that why you are here?"

"Yes," Death said slowly, trying to wrap his head around what he was seeing.

"Michael, pay up," Lucifer said with glee, as Michael had to then give back all his chocolate.

"That was such a sucker bet," Adam shook his head in mirth, as he got handed his winnings. "I can't believe you fell for it."

"It could have been someone else," Michael defended.

"Dude, you do not know Dean," Sam chuckled. "No wonder you couldn't get him to say yes."

"Don't make me hurt you," Michael growled, practically crackling with energy. Death gave a sigh of relief, finally, what he had expected.

His relief was short lived when the other three just laughed at the angry archangel.

"What are you doing?" Death asked, not liking how they seemed to have become completely unpredictable in the past 180 years.

"Collecting our winnings man," Adam smirked cheekily at Sam, who rolled his eyes and gave him a light slap up the head. Adam glared at him. "Dude, not cool."

"Why are you sitting around playing go-fish?" Death demanded. He had expected torture, not children's games.

"Well, I wanted to play poker .." Sam started to say.

"NO!" Adam, Michael and Lucifer yelled.

"It's against the rules," Lucifer reminded him.

"Rules?" Death asked, feeling very uneasy.

Shrugging, Michael shrugged, before explaining. "Here, you can read them yourself."

Lucifer snapped his fingers and a binder appeared in his hand. Giving it to Death, he started to read it.

**"Rules of the Cage: These rules are to be followed so that we don't just go crazy over the course of eternity ..."**

 

****

Chapter One

* * *

**RULE #1 – No Torture and/or Attempted Murder**

YEAR ONE

* * *

Sam's screams echoed along the twisted hallways of the cage as Lucifer and Michael yelled at each other over whose fault it was that Sam had pulled both of them into the cage. In the year since his dive into the pit, Sam had been tortured, yelled at, spit on and abused. He had a newfound respect for Dean's ability to hold on for thirty years. The one goal which kept him sane, was trying to keep the focus off of Adam.

"Well maybe, if you hadn't been distracted by a little sparkle of light, you wouldn't have lost control!" Michael shouted, over Sam's body.

"Right, look who's talking," Lucifer sneered. "I'm not the one that some puny, low-order almost-human angel got the jump on!"

"Hey! He was sneaky!" Michael defended.

"Castiel was right, you are an Ass-butt," Lucifer mumbled.

"Oh, I'll show you an Ass-butt!" Michael yelled.

And they were off; Sam crawled on his hands and knees to shield Adam from the worst of the attack. As he protected his younger brother from the angel-on-angel violence, Sam was not sure how much longer he could take this. If this was only a year, how could he face eternity?

Luckily for Sam, he never had to find out.

It was the 16th day of the 17th month of entrapment in the cage and Michael and Lucifer were still arguing ... when it happened. Adam lost his cool.

"You two are pathetic," he snapped when they had once again started to torture Sam.

"Adam," Sam gasped in horror, not liking the glare the angels were sending him.

"What did you say?" Lucifer asked softly, a dangerous glint in his eyes.

"I said you're pathetic," Adam repeated himself stubbornly, not backing down.

"And what, you sad little ape, would make you say that?" Lucifer stepped forward, threatening the youngest brother.

"We're stuck here for all eternity," Adam pointed out defiantly. "From what I get, from you two bickering all the time, the cage cuts us off from Heaven, Hell and Earth. No one can come in and we can't get out. So all we have is each other – and you want to spend all of eternity just fighting each other and torturing us?"

Lucifer and Michael looked at each other. Sam frantically tried to crawl over and shield Adam before the angels were sure to attack him. Seventeen months of protecting the kid and this was what Adam did?

"The little ape has a point," Lucifer admitted softly, looking at his brother. "I don't wish to continue fighting with you."

"It does seem a bit redundant since neither of us can truly be victorious in the cage ..." Michael agreed slowly, thinking the matter over.

Sam's slow and painful crawl stopped as he stared up wide-eyed at the two angels. His gaze darting between Lucifer, Michael and Adam, unable to believe what he was hearing ... he must have finally lost it.

With a snap of Lucifer's fingers, a few pieces of paper and a pen appeared in his hand.

"What are you doing baby brother?" Michael asked in exasperation.

"If we agree not to fight each other, we should write it down," Lucifer said matter-of-factly.

"I knew we shouldn't have kept sending those politicians down to hell," Michael shook his head, watching his baby brother writes the first rule to peaceful living in the cage.

"This is crazy," Sam muttered to Adam as they watched the two angels bicker over word choice. Wordlessly, Adam just nodded.

* * *

**RULE #2: If one of our physical bodies goes missing, we will not automatically assume blame on the people we live with.**

YEAR TEN

* * *

Sam was practicing making things appear in the cage. Lucifer and Michael had been teaching Adam and him. The cage had been designed to imprison Lucifer, but it had been made by his family. They might have planned for him to die a fiery death at the end of days, but they had wanted him to have some comforts when he spent an eternity alone and locked away. There was a safety mechanism in place which made it impossible to bring in anything that could be used as a weapon – so if you wanted a fork, all you got was a spork. Of course, it required a lot of work, and the more complicated the item, the harder it was.

So Sam had found an empty corner or the cage and took a minute to appreciate the silence before practicing. He was just in the middle of taking a congratulatory bite out of his chocolate bar he had made appear, when it happened. There was a blinding light and intense pain, like he was getting ripped in half ... and then it was gone.

Blinking, Sam looked around from where he lay on the ground. Something felt wrong. Very, very wrong ... he felt ... naked. Glancing down, Sam was relieved to see he was still wearing the same clothes as always. Dusting himself off, he stood up, feeling very disoriented. What the hell was going on?

Walking back into the main room, Sam was still shaken by the light show.

"Um, Sam?" Michael asked, from the table him and Lucifer were playing a game of Risk. Sam had introduced them to the game when they had been trying to think of something to show how to make items appear. He had regretted it ever since. They had been addicted to it for the past five years.

"Yeah," he muttered, grabbing one of the beers and taking a swig of it as he sat next to Adam.

"Where's your body?" Michael asked; both his and Lucifer's head tilting as they examined him.

"What?" Sam asked non-pulsed. "Um, right here?"

"No, you are the soul, the body is gone," Lucifer said.

Sam and Adam just stared at the two angels.

"What?" Sam yelled, jumping up. "Where's my body?"

"We had nothing to do with it," Michael said.

"RIGHT AND WHO ELSE COULD DO IT?" Sam bellowed. "In case you forgot, there are only four of us here!"

"Ape, control your brother," Lucifer commanded as he moved his players.

Adam just glared at Lucifer.

"Someone must have made a deal for your body," Michael shrugged.

"Right, right, and if this is some trick, I will kick your ass," Sam threatened.

"Rule number one!" Lucifer reminded him. "It's your move Michael."

* * *

... one month later ...

* * *

"How many times have I told you not to leave milk out," Michael scolded Sam. "Just imagine it away, or imagine a fridge. You do not just leave it out."

"Oh, I'll remember it ... when you give back my body!"

"I didn't take it."

* * *

... one week later ...

* * *

"Sam, stop singing that god-awful song," Lucifer snarled. "You cannot sing and it hurts my ears."

"Sure, I'll stop, when you give me back my body."

"I DIDN'T TAKE YOUR BODY!"

* * *

... one week later ...

* * *

"SAM, I WILL ERRASE RULE NUMBER ONE IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP!" Adam roared.

"I will when those two body-stealing douche bags give back my body!"

"For the last time, we did not take it!" Michael said, completely frustrated. "If we did, we would have returned it by now!"

"Why don't I believe you," Sam snarled.

"Because you have deep trust issues rooted in you from childhood," Lucifer answered off-hand.

As all three of them just stared at him, Lucifer got defensive. "What? He was going to be my vessel, of course I know about his deep-rooted psychological issues ... I was the mastermind behind most of them."

"Ignoring that," Michael said. "Sam, why would we take your body?"

"I don't know," Sam mumbled, feeling a bit uneasy.

"We have no reason, especially after you have tortured us endlessly with your questions and songs and just ... you," Michael said through clenched teeth, remembering the past month and a half.

"New rule," Lucifer said, smiling wickedly as he happily snapped his fingers and added to his precious rules. "We will not blame others for our physical bodies being misplaced."

"Fine ..." Sam grumbled, still not happy about it. He really wanted to know where his body was.

* * *

**RULE #3: Terms Lucy, Mikey, and Ape are banned and must never be used.**

YEAR THIRTEEN

* * *

"STOP CALLING ME AN APE, OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL CALL YOU LUCY AND MIKEY FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY!" Adam yelled.

And rule three was born ...  



	2. Chapter 2

**Rule #6: Monopoly is banned.**

YEAR TWENTY

* * *

CRASH!

"Ouch!"

"Hey!"

"I quit!"

"You can't quit Lucifer; you still have properties you haven't even mortgaged yet."

"This is bullshit."

"Not you too Sam."

"Come on! You're sitting on Boardwalk with your hotel and all I have is Baltic!"

"It does seem that you should have lost awhile ago."

"... Thanks Michael."

"Shut up and play."

"No."

"Come on Lucifer; just mortgage your place if you land on my hotel."

"No. I refuse to roll. We have been playing for eight hours, I quit."

"Me too."

"Don't hate me because I'm awesome, just sit down, shut it and take it like men."

"Lucifer, Sam ... sit down and allow Adam and I to dominate this game."

"No brother."

"Make us."

"Fine."

CRASH.

BANG.

"OW."

"HEY, THAT WAS MY FOOT."

"NOT THE LITTLE METAL DOG!"

"STOP IT!"

...

"Little brother, I think it is time for you to start a new rule."

"Excellent ..."

* * *

**RULE #6, Amendment #1: Candyland is also banned.**

YEAR TWENTY-ONE

* * *

"NO!" Sam and Adam yelled, their horrified faces confusing the devil.

"I heard Lillith mention it when she was topside," Lucifer defended. "What is wrong with Candy Land? It sounds delicious."

"It's a chick game," Adam yelled. "Hell, not even chick, it's like a little girl game. We are never, ever, ever playing Candy Land."

"But ..."

"It's a rule," Sam chirped, thinking fast. "I say we make it a rule. No Candy Land."

* * *

**RULE #6, Amendment #2: Taboo is also banned.**

YEAR TWENTY-ONE

* * *

"Okay, this activity is very popular in the U.S.," Sam said fast, his eye darting back to the timer and Lucifer's impatient face. "There's a ball..."

BEEEEEEEP.

"What?" Sam turned in exasperation at his half-brother who seemed way too happy with the buzzer. "What the hell?"

"You can't say part of the word," Adam said smugly, loving the fact he was dominating every board game – the only one to grow up with a family game night his mother had always insisted on when she had a shift off work. "Base-BALL ... it's part of the word."

"Pick another!" Lucifer commanded impatiently.

"Okay," Sam grumbled, picking another card up. "Um, this is an animal ... with fur."

"Cat. Dog. Mouse. Horse. Zebra." Lucifer guessed randomly, his eyes on the score board which showed them losing ... badly.

"Ugh ..." Sam tried to think of another clue for aardvark.

"Monkey. Human. Sloth. Kuala Bear."

"It eats ... ugh," Sam noticed he couldn't say ants. He hated this game. He really truly hated this game.

"Bear. Fox. Wolf. Whale!"

"Time," Michael said, smiling slightly as he looked up. "And that's the game, Adam and myself thirty-four and you and Sam ... ten."

"Rematch," Lucifer demanded. "And this time you get Sam."

"Hey!" Sam protested.

"No, he's your vessel, you're his partner," Michael smirked smugly.

"But he's horrible at these games," Lucifer complained.

"Hey! Still right here!" Sam commented only to be ignored by both angels.

"I want Adam to be my partner," Lucifer commanded. "You've played the last hundred rounds with him, and it's only fair that we switch partners."

"You just want to win," Adam teased, smirking at the two of them.

"I demand a rematch," Lucifer stated again.

"No," Sam groaned. "This is hell, playing the stupid game non-stop!"

"Hey, don't insult the game just because you suck at it." Adam stretched, before getting up and setting up a new round for this game.

"We are not playing that game again," Sam said, his voice getting dangerously low.

"And how are you going to stop me?" Adam asked, looking defiantly up at his older brother.

Sam smirked, snapped his fingers and a sheet of very familiar paper appeared in his hands.

"My rules!" Lucifer yelped, shocked someone else would summon them.

"I'm adding this to the monopoly ban," Sam said victoriously, scribbling the new amendment.

Adam glared, before smirking a tiny bit ... he knew an even better game.

"And I call deciding the next game!" Sam added, smiling at Adam.

* * *

**RULE #6, Amendment #3: Scrabble is also banned.**

YEAR TWENTY-TWO

* * *

"Adam, that's not a word," Sam sighed, running an exasperated hand through his hair.

"Fugly is so a word," Adam argued.

"No, it's not," Sam disagreed.

"Yes it is," Adam retorted.

"No, it isn't!"

"Yes it is."

"No it isn't."

"Dude, you're just upset 'cause you are fugly," Adam smirked.

"I'm not fugly," Sam disagreed. "Because fugly is not a word!"

"Yes it is."

"No it isn't."

"Yes it is."

"No it isn't."

Sighing as the two brothers fought again, Lucifer turned to Michael. "I am getting tired of their bickering."

"Yes, perhaps another rule?" Michael suggested hopefully.

With glee, Lucifer snapped his fingers.

* * *

**RULE #6, Amendment #4: Jenga is also banned.**

YEAR TWENTY-TWO

* * *

"I'll show you a steady hand," Michael threatened softly, raising his fist in front of Sam's face, as Lucifer and Adam quickly added a new game to be banned.

* * *

**RULE #6, Amendment #5: Charades is also banned.**

YEAR TWENTY-THREE

* * *

Sam sighed as he quickly wrote down charades to the growing list of games they were not allowed to play. In the background Adam was trying to chase Michael who had guessed, without Adam doing anything that Adam was trying to be a girl. His hot-headed younger brother had not taken that very well and was currently in a pointless chase holding the small, dull pencil that came with the game as he threatened the archangel.

Taking a sip of his beer, he looked over at Lucifer. "Ugh, maybe we should just stick to card games," Sam suggested.

"Yes," Lucifer quietly agreed. "Perhaps that would be safest."


	3. Chapter 3

**RULE #23: Soccer is not to be played in the cage.**

**YEAR FORTY-TWO**

Michael sat quietly enjoying the silence. He had meandered off to the "thinking corner" as they had termed the hallway (or as Sam still referred to it "the body snatching corner of doom"). He sighed, enjoying just being alone. It had been forty-two years since they had entered the cage and it was nice to find time to get away. As much as he loved his brother, as much as he got along with Sam and Adam ... dealing with the same people day-in and day-out was tiresome. Especially since most of the fun board games had been banned for the past twenty years.

He could tell that being stuck in the cage was getting to them. There was nothing to do. At this point in time, there was nothing they didn't know about each other. Heck, for Sam and Adam they had been in the cage longer then they had ever been top-side. Lately, they had been whining about finding something to keep them occupied. Shaking his head at the thought of his human companions, Michael sighed and let his headache disappear.

Yes, sweet, calming silence ... this was just what he needed.

CRASH.

Not even flinching at the sound of destruction, Michael just sighed and stalked back to the main living area. They could not even give him five minutes of peace.

Walking around the corner to tell them to quiet down, Michael was unprepared for the flying soccer ball which connected with his face.

Sam, Lucifer and Adam stopped dead when they saw the soccer ball they had been kicking around hit Michael in the face. With one big gasp, no one spoke, waiting to see how Michael would react.

"What is that?" Michael asked, his gaze never leaving the oddly patched ball on the ground.

"Um, soccer ball," Sam supplied, smiling weakly.

"Why is there a soccer ball?" Michael questioned softly, still not looking towards the three men who shifted uneasily where they stood.

"The humans were teaching me soccer, brother," Lucifer explained, hating how Michael could always make him feel so little.

"Why did it hit my face?"

"Because you didn't duck dude," Adam huffed, rolling his eyes, even as Sam kicked him in the shin.

Finally glancing up at Lucifer, Sam and Adam the three of them took a step back at the mad intensity of Michael's face.

"Soccer is banned," Michael commanded, snapping his fingers to make the rules appear.

"But," Sam whined, pouting.

"Come on dude," Adam joined in the whining. "It wasn't hurting anyone ... well, except your face."

"It's a rule!"

"Your brother is so unfair," Adam complained to Lucifer.

"I know," Lucifer agreed with sympathy.

**RULE #28: No road hockey in the cage ... or actual hockey ... no hockey of any sort is allowed.**

**YEAR FIFTY**

"Adam, coming in for the score, winds up and ..." Adam cheered, snapping back his wrists as he went to slap shot the small tennis towards Lucifer who had been chosen to be goalie. Sam had volunteered, but Adam and Lucifer both agreed his overall bulkiness and freakish height was an unfair advantage. Lucifer bent his knees, ready for the shot.

Unfortunately, Adam did not have the best aim, unlike his older brother who had a killer shot. So, as he hit the ball and sent it flying, it missed the net entirely. To add to the youngest one's misfortune, Michael was just walking around the corner, a glass of milk in hand when the ball hit him in the face ... again.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Michael yelled, his front covered in spilled milk, as Adam gave a nervous chuckle and bolted out of the room. "NO MORE ... WHAT'S THIS CALLED"

"Road hockey," Sam and Lucifer muttered, hoping to calm Michael down before he broke rule number one.

"NO MORE ROAD HOCKEY!"

"So ... what about ice hockey?" Sam asked Lucifer quietly.

"NO, NONE OF THAT! NO HOCKEY, NONE!"

**RULE #29: Tennis is banned.**

**RULE #30: No one is allowed to read the Winchester gospels. Especially if they then start quoting them in everyday life to annoy Sam.**

**YEAR FIFTY-ONE ******

The past year had been almost idyllic. No new rules had been made, and Sam found himself starting to really enjoy his time down in hell. Especially since they had finally, FINALLY found an activity that did not lead to someone almost being killed. Tennis. No one was really good at it, which allowed them to each suck equally for a change. Both Lucifer and Michael were too aggressive and kept hitting the net, Adam could hit the ball but had horrible aim and Sam had good aim but because he was always partnered with one of the other three – it wasn't a real strain on the game. If someone had told him fifty-two years ago he would be in hell with two archangels and his raised-from-the-dead-Winchester-style half-brother playing tennis – Sam would have thought the they were crazy (especially because he had never played tennis in his life).

He should have known his relative peace was destroyed when one day, after walking up to Michael who was reading a book intently, that everything was going to go downhill.

"What're you reading?" Sam asked, since him and Michael would normally take turns reading different books. It didn't matter if Lucifer and Adam made fun of them – Sam liked reading and he shared similar tastes with Michael.

"The Winchester Gospels," Michael responded automatically, not even looking up as Sam choked on air.

"What?" Sam gasped, looking at the archangel in horrified surprise.

"You seem to be intense in your love-making," Michael responded, as Sam closed his eyes and tried to erase this from his memory.

"Dude! If you need to read it, I don't like it but whatever, but do NOT talk about it!" Sam demanded, before hastily leaving the room.

One week later ...

Sam served the ball, and got ready for the volley back.

"I can't believe you and Dean had a racist truck, dude that's so lame," Adam teased from across the net, after hitting the ball back across.

Distracted, Sam missed the rally.

"What?" Sam asked, non-pulsed. He was sure he had never told Adam about that experience.

"Yeah," Adam continued smugly. "I mean, I thought a hunter was this super tough gig and here you are chasing killer trucks? And sleeping with how many chicks?"

"How?" Sam was supremely confused.

"Michael leant me the Winchester Gospels," Adam smirked. "I never knew how emotional you were man."

Sam, serving the ball once again, 'accidently' aimed for Adam's toes. As he watched his half-brother hop up and down on one foot Sam smiled and called out, "oops, didn't mean for that."

Four days later ...

Swinging his arm, Sam tried to ignore the laughing angel's on the other side of the net. They were currently quoting their favourite parts of the books.

"Did you get to the whole 'I have a mind of my own part' part?" Lucifer asked Michael cheerfully, hitting the ball across the net again. "No wonder he was my vessel – even I didn't bitch that much."

"Right, that's denial," Michael teased. "Though, I liked the "Driver picks the music; shotgun shuts his cake hole" line from the first novel."

"How about with Madison when they- ugh!" Lucifer clutched his stomach were Sam had wiped the tennis ball hard.

"Sorry," Sam apologized not sounding sincere at all. "Maybe you should practice tennis more and read crap novels less."

One Week Later ...

"And then at the end of the novel ..." Michael was cut off when a tennis ball hit him in the face. "Stop using tennis to get back at us!"

"Then stopping quoting and analysing my life in front of me!" Sam retorted angrily.

"These are holy books," Michael defended.

"No, they are messed-up, stalker books which had no right to invade our privacy!"

"STOP IT!" Lucifer snapped, tired of the bickering. "Using the books to annoy Sam lost its appeal awhile ago. It's a new rule."

"Same with tennis," Adam said, rubbing his sore side, where Sam had hit him with a tennis racket 'accidently' yesterday when Adam had teased Sam about his clown-phobia.

"Fine," Sam and Michael mumbled.

******RULE #35: No Baseball.** ** **

******YEAR FIFTY-THREE** ** **

SMACK.

"Sorry Michael ..."

******RULE #40: No Football** ** **

******YEAR FIFTY-NINE** ** **

SMACK.

"Honestly, it's like you just walk into it Michael."

"Not helping Adam ..."


	4. Chapter 4

**RULE #24: Bagpipes are not allowed anywhere near Lucifer ... or Adam.**

YEAR FORTY-FIVE

* * *

Michael and Sam sat reading on separate couches they had conjured earlier that day. Sam was greatly enjoying the latest book Michael had recommended. He had been a little suspicious because it was about a dog and the title "Marley and Me" sounded a bit like something Dean would have teased him about a lifetime ago. However, in the cage, there was not a lot to do. Michael had not even read it yet, he was still busy reading his enochian texts.

Sam was just turning the page, chuckling lightly to himself at the humorous passage he had just read, when they heard it. Jumping to their feet, Michael and Sam shared a panicked look as they tore off down the hallways that connected to the main living area.

The sound was a mixture of drowning duck and strangled cat that both bewildered and frightened the angel and human.

Sliding around a corner, both jaws dropped at the sight of Lucifer and a bagpipe.

"What are you doing?" Michael yelled, trying to get the other angel's attention.

Lucifer, however, was not paying attention, red-faced and concentrating hard at what Sam could only assume was an attempt to strangle the instrument.

"Lucifer! Lucifer! LUCIFER!" Michael roared, waving one arm in the air, trying desperately to get his brother's attention. Just ... anything to get the sound to stop.

Lucifer finally put down the instrument, after seeing Michael waving and trying to say something and Sam holding his ears and leaning for support against the wall.

"Hello brother, Sam," Lucifer commented.

"Oh god, I'm deaf," Sam moaned pitifully still holding his ears which were ringing.

"Brother, I think we have found a new rule," Michael growled, glaring at the offensive instrument.

"That you are not to bother me while I practice the bagpipes?" Lucifer asked sneering at his brother. "I would appreciate that."

"No," Michael shook his head. "No bagpipes, ever."

"I wasn't that bad," Lucifer moped.

"Really," Michael questioned before turning to Sam. "What did you think?"

"I think I want to shove a knife in my ear to save them from suffering anymore having to listen to the death of sound," Sam calmly stated.

"I was not that bad," Lucifer denied.

"I thought someone was being tortured," Sam said.

"No bagpipes," Michael said, snapping his fingers and making the rules appear in his hand.

"But ... Adam said I should learn how to play them," Lucifer pouted.

"What?" Michael and Sam asked in unison.

They found Adam, sitting on one of their couches, looking a tad too innocent.

"Hey bro, what're you doing?" he said cheerfully ... too cheerfully.

"Did you tell Lucifer to learn the bagpipes?" Sam asked his voice low and dangerous.

"Maybe ..." Adam smirked.

"That's it, you're included in the rule," Sam snapped, grabbing the list of rules from Michael and adding Adam. "Ha! No more bagpipes for you."

"Wow, you really know how to hit hard Sam," Adam said sarcastically and rolled his eyes. "Now what will I do?"

* * *

**RULE #25: Marley and Me is never to be read, watched or mentioned ever again. EVER**

YEAR FORTY-FIVE

* * *

"Um ... Sam?"

"Uh huh?"

"Are ... are you crying?"

"Shut it Adam."

"Dude, you're like ... full-out wailing."

"Shut it."

"Oh man, this is priceless. You're crying!"

"Yeah, well, it's a moving tale of the bond between owner and pet."

"Hahahahahahahaha."

"Fine. You think it's so funny. You read it."

* * *

"Sam, you're demented. This is hilarious!"

"Keep reading."

* * *

"Um ... Sam?"

"Yes Lucifer?"

"Is your brother crying?"

"Yes, yes he is."

"And you are happy about this?"

"Yes, yes I am."

"... you truly are my chosen vessel."

"Shut up. He was teasing me about crying reading the book, so I showed him."

"Ha, you humans. Blathering on about books."

"Hey, hey! I can hear you two over there. No snide remarks until you read this."

"Humans ... so emotionally weak."

"Okay, first, I am not crying ... my eyes are just a little moist. And secondly, you read the damn thing."

"Fine."

* * *

"Sam, Adam ... is my little brother crying?"

"Yes."

"Yep."

"And this is making both of you happy?"

"Very much so."

"You've no idea Dude."

"Michael! You must read this book."

"Ugh, sure Lucifer ... I'll read it."

* * *

"Wow ..."

"I know."

"I mean, it's just ..."

"Yeah ..."

...

"I can't believe you cried dude."

"You cried too Adam!"

"Yeah, but you cried first!"

"Not as hard as Lucifer."

"Hey, don't bring me into this."

"You did weep like a little girl brother."

"Please, I let out a few manly tears of emotional pain."

"No, it was more like 'WAAAAHHHHH'."

"Adam?"

"Yes Sam?"

"Never do that again."

"Right."

...

"I can't stop thinking about the book."

"Michael, don't ..."

"I mean the..."

"Great, dude, you're making Lucifer tear up just thinking about it."

"I am not."

"Okay, new rule – we never mention this again."

"But, Sam, I keep thinking about ..."

"Well, stop! We can't be blubbering idgits as Bobby would say for the rest of eternity."

"Sam has a point. Michael ... Lucifer, agree? Never mention this again?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

* * *

**RULE #97: Sam is not allowed to do obnoxious amounts of Math in one sitting.**

YEAR ONE HUNDRED

* * *

"Hey, Adam," Sam interrupted Adam from his current hobby – making origami figures.

"Yeah Sam?" Adam asked, folding his paper slowly.

"I was just thinking ... we've been here for a hundred years."

"So we have," Adam responded automatically, not really paying attention.

"But think about it. I mean, you were really only alive for about twenty years. This means you have spent five times longer in the cage than the amount of time spent on Earth. And look at myself; I was twenty-eight when I jumped in here. So, let's round it up to thirty, and suddenly I've been here three times more than I was alive-alive. I mean, if you really think about it, the approximate 7300 days you were alive and kicking and my 10220 days are nothing compared to the 36500 spent here in the cage," Sam rambled on.

"Dude," Adam said, his head slowly rising up from his little origami bunny. "How the hell are we related?"

Blushing, Sam looked away. "I was just saying that if you break it down by days, my life only takes up 28 percent of ..."

"Ah, my brain," Adam cried out. "No more math."

"But, I was just saying ..."

"No, it's a rule."

"You can't just make it a rule."

"Watch me."


	5. Chapter 5

**RULE# 56: Rules forty-one to fifty-five do not count as rules, because Lucifer is an idiot.**

**RULE #57: For rules to be established, it must have the support of at least one other people ... or proven to be dangerous to our well-being.**

YEAR SIXTY

* * *

Lucifer smirked in triumph. Yes, he had finally one-upped his smug older brother. He only had to wait for the perfect moment to let these simpletons – sorry cage-mates – in on his master plan. Yes, they would be stunned by the sneakiness and cunning he possessed.

Man he was bored.

Lucifer, having had many years to reflect on his self and ponder over meaningless things, knew it was never a good thing when he was bored. Last time he was bored, he had convinced some demon to collect "special children". This time though, this time was brilliant.

His smirk grew as he watched Sam put down his book and stretch, rubbing his nose absentmindedly. Yes, he must be getting hungry –even without his body Sam loved to have a little something to eat each day. And it was always the same thing ... pickles.

Sure enough Sam sat up and held out his hand where a small jar of pickles appeared. Smothering his grin, Lucifer appeared in front of Sam and grabbed the pickle before Sam could put it in his mouth.

"What the hell man?" Sam frowned. "If you want one, you only need to ask."

"What do you think you are doing?" Lucifer glared down at Sam, doing his best to look intimidating.

"Ugh, having a pickle," Sam said, raising an eyebrow in concern. "You feeling okay?"

"I am feeling fine, but you aren't allowed to have pickles," Lucifer stated.

"What do you mean I can't have pickles?" Sam questioned.

With a snap of his fingers, Lucifer summoned the rules. Grinning broadly he handed them to Sam, whose eyes widened when he saw a pile of new ones.

"You can't do this," Sam argued. "What did you do? Spend the past couple of days just making up shitty rules?"

"No," Lucifer denied. "I did this last night."

"That's it," Sam grumbled, grabbing an eraser and trying to get rid of the rules.

Laughing mockingly, Lucifer just grinned, "I used permanent marker. You can't erase it!"

"Can't erase what?" Michael asked, walking into the room, Adam also joining them after hearing all the commotion going on in the corner.

"Lucifer thought it would be funny to make up some rules last night," Sam fumed, angry his erasing effort had been thwarted.

Sighing, Michael calmly held a hand out. "May I see?"

Adam and Michael leaned in together to look over the new rules.

"Pickles are forbidden? As are apples? And salad dressing? And no one is allowed to read a book starting with 'the'?" Michael read. "Little brother, these rules are useless."

"And lame," Adam said shaking his head. "I mean it's more like a diet than anything else. Weak dude ... weak."

"You just do not appreciate the brilliance of the rules," Lucifer sneered.

"You can't do this!" Sam fumed.

"There's no rule that says I can't," Lucifer argued.

There was a moment of silence as everyone thought about that. All of their eyes drifted down to the paper in Michael's hands. For a moment no one moved and then there was a flurry of motion. Lucifer leaped to grab the precious rules before the others could get rid of them. Michael passed the paper to Sam and Adam as he tackled Lucifer to the ground. Sam and Adam quickly ran to grab a permanent marker (not wanting anything to be erased).

"Run Sam! Run!" Michael yelled, as he pinned his brother to the floor.

"No! My rules!" Lucifer screamed, trying to throw off his brother.

"Ah ha!" Sam cried in victory, quickly adding rule number fifty-six and fifty-seven. "And I made it so no one person can do this again!"

Adam, looking at rule number fifty-seven frowned a bit. "Seriously? It sounds so ... law-ish."

"Well, I was pre-law at Stanford," Sam admitted, blushing a bit.

"Seriously? Dude, I never knew that."

* * *

**RULE #58: Lucifer is not allowed to "dance", people will think he is having a stroke.**

YEAR SIXTY

* * *

"Oh god, my eyes! My eyes!"

"Look away Adam! Shield your eyes!"

"Little brother if you do not stop that you WILL feel my wrath."

* * *

**RULE #59: Lucifer is not to just sit and smile at people ... it's creepy.**

YEAR SIXTY

* * *

Adam was not sure what was happening to Lucifer. He was practically vibrating, unable to sit still and was acting just ... off the wall crazy. It had only been a week since the "rule incident" as they liked to call it, where Lucifer had created a bunch of random rules. It was creepy and unsettling to see the devil so ... bouncy.

However, Adam might be a lot of things, but he was not one to pass the opportunity for some fun. Making sure Sam and Michael were busy, Adam sat next to the bouncy archangel with a smirk.

"Hey Lucifer," Adam said softly, "do you want to have some fun?"

"Yes," Lucifer replied without hesitation.

"Sam's just over there reading. Sit across from him and just smile," Adam suggested.

Lucifer frowned, puzzled by the request. "How is that fun?"

"Just trust me," Adam said, smiling widely at the devil.

* * *

Sam was enjoying his book when he felt something. It was that niggling feeling down the back of his neck that someone was watching him. Looking up, Sam was struck numb at the horrifying image of Lucifer just sitting, smiling at him while practically vibrating up and down. Quickly glancing down at his book, Sam shook his head, sure he had been hallucinating. A quick peak back up and sure enough, Lucifer was still just ... smiling.

Shifting uncomfortably in his seat, Sam tried to ignore it. _Just read the book. Just read the book. Do not look up. Just read the book._ Was the mantra going through Sam's head as he tried to not look at Lucifer.

Looking back, Sam would be impressed he lasted ten minutes before snapping.

"Stop looking at me," he snapped.

The bouncing devil's grin just grew larger, which did little to relieve the anxious feeling Sam was experiencing.

"Cut it out, I said stop," Sam reprimanded him sternly.

"What is going on?" Michael asked calmly, eyeing his brother dubiously.

"Your _brother_ is smiling at me," Sam said angrily.

Michael raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"He's just ... smiling ... it's unnatural," Sam defended, blushing slightly as Michael continued to look at him as if he was unstable.

"Lucifer, stop smiling at Sam," Michael commanded in a bored monotone. Lucifer obeyed, turning his creepy smile towards Michael.

Michael did not even last five minutes before freaking out. "Stop smiling at me like that! Sam! Grab the rules!"

No one noticed Adam laughing in the background. He did not know what had gotten into Lucifer ... but he liked it.

* * *

**RULE #60: Lucifer is not allowed to sing "Walking on Sunshine".**

YEAR SIXTY

* * *

Adam hated whatever had gotten into Lucifer. His ears were about to fall off. Storming over to Sam and Michael, no words were needed, they merely summoned the rules.

"We need to find out what is going on with Lucifer," Michael muttered, sending worried glances towards his younger, tone-deaf brother. This had been going on for just over a week ... and they needed to put a stop to it.

* * *

**RULE #61: Lucifer is not allowed to eat straight sugar. EVER.**

YEAR SIXTY

* * *

It took days of intensive detective work, but they were finally able to catch Lucifer in the act. Mid-scoop, frozen like a deer in headlights, Lucifer was unable to say anything as the new rule was made. To everyone's relief, he was back to normal after a few days of no sugar. But the "sugar incident" would go down in infamy ... much to Lucifer's horror.


	6. Chapter 6

**Rule #72: Creating finger-puppets and using them to 'illustrate' scenes from the Winchester Gospel is not a creative way for getting around rule #30 and is here-forth banned.**

**YEAR SEVENTY-FIVE**

* * *

Adam was proud of his little puppets. It had taken him a full year to finish his masterpiece in secret … but it was worth it. The glue was put away, the velt he had used hidden from sight and Lucifer and Michael were ready for the show. It was starting to get boring again down in the cage, and Adam had decided it would be worth it to try and find ways around the banning of the Winchester Gospels. After one long brainstorming session with Lucifer – the answer had occurred to them … live performances reenacting the best scenes from the books. Adam had quickly explained to Lucifer he wasn't going to actually act, because that was lame. Finger puppets though? That was just wicked cool.

Luckily Sam was a sentimentalist, so when Adam had told him he wanted to hear more about his older half-brother, Sam was more than happy to share stories about the man Adam had barely met. Of course, some of his questions might have raised a few eyebrows from his brother, but Sam was too gullible. What eye colour did Dean have? Do you have a picture of him? What type of clothes did he wear? Gathering all the information, Adam was quite happy how the Dean puppet turned out. Plus, he had to admit … it might have been cool to know the guy if he was actually as cool as Sam's stories sounded. They might have gotten along.

Didn't matter. The puppets were done and with Sam buried in some book over in the corner it was time to start the finger-puppet-show-of-awesome.

"I'm Dean, and this is the Impala," Adam started with a deep fake-Dean voice. "And this is my bitch little brother Sam."

"What?" Sam asked, looking up from his book when he heard his name.

"Nothing," Adam, Michael and Lucifer said, making sure Sam could not see the puppets.

"Okay ..." Sam sent them another suspicious look before going back to his book.

Once satisfied that Sam was once again in book-land, Adam continued. Pulling out his extremely tall finger-puppet of Sam, Adam grinned.

"I'm Sam and I'm stick in the mud."

"No, no, make his voice whinier," Lucifer directed.

"Because of our troubled childhood we go around and hunt things! Isn't that right Dean?" Adam had puppet Dean eating a piece of pie. "Nom. Nom. Nom. Oh, sorry Sammy, what were you saying?"

"Dean," Adam said using his Sam-whining voice. "You should be paying attention!"

"What the hell is this?" Real Sam interrupted. Too busy laughing and enjoying the puppets, they had not realized Sam had gotten up and made his way over to see what they were up to. "Are those finger-puppets?"

"Um … yeah," Adam couldn't help the grin that spread across his face. "Aren't they awesome?"

"No," Sam shook his head. "I thought we agreed not to quote the books in front of me!"

"Actually, this is puppet theatre and we aren't quoting the books. So no rule breaking here!" Adam smiled in victory.

"Oh yeah? Well, I'll just make this a rule," Sam threatened.

"You can't," Michael pointed out. "You need at least one other person to agree to the rule before it can be written down. You made that rule."

"Damnit," Sam cursed his own intelligence biting him in the ass.

"I am sorry to say we have you beat," Lucifer announced with devilish delight.

* * *

One week later ...

* * *

"Hi, I'm Lucifer and I was unfairly cast into the cage because I loved my father too much!"

"What are you doing Sam?" Michael asked.

"I'm showing you how annoying puppets are so you will side with me on this rule." Sam explained stubbornly. "Hi, I'm Michael and I love to read."

Michael, looking down at the disfigured finger-puppet Sam had mangled together, grimaced. "Stop it Sam."

Using the Lucifer puppet, Sam put it right in Michael's face. "We won't stop talking until Adam stops!"

Huffing in resigned impatience, Michael realized the only way to keep things from getting insane would be to cut this off before it went on any longer. "Fine," he admitted. "I'll get behind the new rule."

* * *

**RULE #112:Lucifer is not allowed to decorate the cage unsupervised.**

**YEAR ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FIVE**

* * *

It had lasted almost a hundred years by the time they finally put a stop to it. It started simple enough. Lucifer put up a painting. An ugly painting of a vase full of flowers. It was a bit too old-lady for Sam's taste, but easy enough to ignore, and by the time thirty years had rolled around … he was tired of the gray walls and ceiling. Adam teased Lucifer about the painting, but it was otherwise ignored. After another decade, the painting was such a familiar aspect of the cage, no one even noticed it anymore.

It was around year forty that Lucifer started to make furniture appear. The two couches were covered in floral print and hurt the eyes when looked at for a long period of time. No one complained about it though, because as bad as they were to look at, they were simply divine in comfort. Sam hated to think what Dean would say if he could see Sam snuggled up on the floral-grandma style couch reading his latest book.

Over the next sixty years, little things would build up. To be fair, it wasn't just Lucifer. Adam created a little arcade on one of the side hallways. Michael and Sam had worked together to build a library for their book collection. All four of them had actually spent a very enjoyable couple of days together working on putting together a kitchen. They might not need to eat – but it was still nice to chow down on something every now and again. Plus the fridge kept the beer cold for their weekly poker tournaments. Everyone knew Lucifer had horrible taste reminiscent of spinster cat-ladies, but they made sure to balance it out.

The last decade though … Lucifer was getting out of hand. First it was the stenciled "homey" flowers he painted on the wall. Then there were polka-dots on the floor. Frilly, lace doilies on the coffee tables and coasters Lucifer would make sure they actually used with cute little scenes of puppies and kittens. It was starting to freak Sam and Adam out. Michael just rolled his eyes and appreciated what he called an 'homage to his father's creation'. It wasn't until they walked into what Sam called an 'homage to pepto-bismol' that an intervention was planned. The sickly pink walls, ceiling and floor was just too vomit-inducing to handle. Lucifer calmed down when they gave him one of the side hallways to create a garden and paint whichever way he wanted to. Sam and Adam made a pact never to go down that hallway ever again.

* * *

**RULE #128: Deciding to throw goo is not hygienic nor a good idea and is therefore banned.**

**YEAR ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY**

* * *

Sam was the last one to get out of the shower after the goo-fight-of-doom. It had seemed like such a great idea at the time. Adam and him had been reminiscing about Nickelodeon and the goo. The conversation had gotten a bit out of hand one two certain angels joined in and the next thing you know … it's a good fight.

He hadn't realized how sticky it was though. After an hour under scalding water and rubbing his skin raw, he was sure there was still some in his hair.

"That," Michael said sitting exhausted in a chair, "was a bad idea."

"Agreed brother," Lucifer replied from the couch as Sam sat beside him. "I feel like I was skinned alive trying to get all of that … stuff … off me."

"I know, me too," Sam agreed, leaning his head back.

"Wanna play go-fish?" Adam suggested, already bored.

"How about poker?" Sam suggested hopefully.

"No," all three responded without even glancing at him.

"It's against rule eighty-seven," Michael reminded him. "We will play go-fish."

"Excellent, I'll get the cards," Adam said cheerfully, grabbing the deck as they all sat on the floor to play (the table being too damaged from the goo-fight).

Sighing, Sam folded his long legs and picked up his hands. After a hundred and eighty years in the cage … nothing surprised him anymore. Or at least, he had thought nothing surprised him anymore. That was, until Death strolled into the cage.


	7. Epilogue

Death finished reading the rules and took a second to collect himself. Of all the things he he had seen, nothing was as crazy or insane as these so called rules. Here were the archangels of the apocalypse getting along with their so-called "unworthy" vessels.

His uncharacteristic surprise was followed by a second emotion he had not felt in a very, very long time. It wasn't much, but a little sliver of unease wormed its way deep inside of him. Did the cage create insanity? Looking back down at the rules … it was a definite possibility.

"Sam, I am to bring you to your body," Death stated, eager to leave the cage behind him. Sam heaved a sigh and stood up, putting his cards down.

"Do we have to go now?" Sam asked. "We're still in the middle of a game and ..."

"Your brother and I have a deal," Death reminded him coldly.

"But time passes differently here," Adam said defensively, not wanting to see his brother go. "Just let us do one more thing together, please."

"Hmm," Death huffed, giving Adam a calculating look which made everyone slightly uneasy. "So much like your brother. Alright, one last _thing_. What do you plan to do?"

"Um," Adam hesitated. He hadn't actually thought Death would agree to his stalling. Luckily, Sam, who had been eyeballing the rules. A small smile broke out onto his face as he had an epiphany.

"How about we break as many rules as we can in twenty-four hours?" Sam suggested.

"But not rule number one," Michael stated, setting the ground rules right away. "No one would enjoy that."

"Agreed," Adam nodded, excited at the prospect of breaking some rules. Who knew goody-two-shoes Sammy had some rule-breaking in him afterall.

"What do you say little brother?" Michael asked.

"Sugar!" Lucifer yelled as he ran into the kitchen.

* * *

Over the next twenty four hours Death watched in morbid fascination as the four trapped beings went crazy. Lucifer downed two containers of sugar before proceeding to play – or murder as it more aptly sounded like – the bagpipes with Adam, before giving up and dancing as he sang 'Walking on Sunshine'. Death wished he could say he was happy when Lucifer finally stopped, but the devil wouldn't stop staring and smiling at him … it was creepy.

Sam meanwhile had yelled obnoxious amounts of math at Death over the sound of mutilated bagpipes. Then him and Michael had discussed something called 'Marley and Me', before Adam joined and the conversation turned to the Winchester gospels. At which time Death, trying to ignore Lucifer's staring, was confused when finger-puppets made an appearance.

Realizing they only had ten hours left, they started a blitz attack on the boardgames. One full round of Monopoly, then taboo, scrabble, Jenga and charades. Lucifer was extremely pleased to finally play Candy Land. The entire time terms such as Ape, Lucy and Mikey were tossed around by everyone.

Death had to keep ducking during the last two hours as soccer balls, tennis balls, hockey pucks, and baseballs almost hit him in the face. He did not understand Adam's comment that Michael should take lessons from him.

Finally the twenty-four hours came to pass. Death watched impassively as Sam finally came out of the bathroom after rubbing his soul raw trying to get all the goo off. As the four cage-mates sat, panting and laughing on the couches Death stood up from the corner he had taken cover in.

"It is time to go Sam," Death stated, more than happy to leave.

As everyone stood up there was a moment of awkward hesitation. No one knew what to say. After a hundred-and-eighty years, they had never thought they would actually get out … and it wasn't like they could actually die in the cage.

"Lucifer," Sam said, starting with the one closest to him. "Never thought I would say this but … I'm going to miss you man."

"You too," Lucifer admitted, shaking Sam's hand firmly. "I'm glad you were my true vessel."

Moving onto Michael, Sam shook his hand gruffly. "I'm going to miss our book discussions."

Nodding, Michael gripped his shoulder before moving back to let the brothers say goodbye.

"Goodbyes are so lame," Adam chuckled, embarrassed that he had watery eyes.

"Yeah," Sam agreed, blinking back his own tears.

"Well, I'm glad we got a hundred-and-eighty years to be brothers," Adam muttered.

"It's more than most people get," Sam pointed out. "I'm going to miss you."

"Yeah … same," Adam said, before Sam gave him a quick hug.

"Take care of yourself," Sam said.

"Don't I always?" Adam quipped, smirking slightly.

Chuckling, Sam just walked over to Death. Taking a deep breath he turned around to say a final goodbye to the guys he had spent more than a lifetime with. "I'll never forget you guys."

"Actually," Death said, interrupting the emotional goodbye. "Part of the deal was to erect a wall in your mind. You will have no memory of hell."

"What?" everyone yelled.

"Yes, and you will not want to break the wall, it would cause … irreparable damage," Death shrugged.

"But I don't need a wall!" Sam argued. "I have great memories of my time down here. Why put something up that will hurt me?"

Grinning sadistically, Death leaned forward. "Because … that is the deal your brother Dean made."

Without giving anyone else a choice to object, he reached one hand out and placed it on Sam's forehead, turning him into a ball of white light. Stuffing the soul into his case, Death gave one final chilling smile at the three left, before vanishing into the basement room that Sam's body had been contained in. He heard Dean yelling for Bobby to open the door and smirked, it was time to finish this.

* * *

One week later …

Back in the Cage

* * *

"I think that's it," Adam sighed, crashing onto the couch. They had finally cleaned up all the paint, goo, boardgames and mess that breaking all the rules had created.

"Another rule?" Michael suggested, also exhausted from the massive clean-up.

* * *

**Rule #129 – We are never to break all the rules at the same time ever again ... And if we are the person whose bright idea that was must stay and help clean-up.**

**YEAR ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY  
**


	8. The Rules of the Cage

**Rules of the Cage** **: These rules are to be followed so that we don't just go crazy over the course of eternity...**

1\. Torture and/or Attempted Murder

2\. If one of our physical bodies goes missing, we will not automatically assume blame on the people we live with.

3\. Terms Lucy, Mikey, and Ape are banned and must never be used.

4\. The topic of who to blame for everyone being stuck in the cage is taboo.

5\. Monopoly is banned. So are the following: Candy Land, Taboo, Scrabble, Jenga and Charades

6\. No chick-flick movies will be watched.

7\. No one is allowed to make fun of Dean Winchester in front of Sam – he get's emotional.

8\. Never ask Lucifer or Michael about their dad.

9\. Adam is banned from flicking rubber bands.

10\. The Bond films (while good) are not to be watched as they give certain people crazy ideas.

11\. Lucifer is banned from trying to convince Sam and Adam that gambling with their souls is a good idea for them

12\. We hereby refer to the corner that Sam's body disappeared from the CORNER OF DOOM.

13\. We will no longer add 'of Doom' to the end of words to make them more exciting.

14\. Adam and Sam are banned from saying 'God' – it keeps freaking Lucifer and Michael out

15\. Lucifer and Michael are banned from complaining about humans.

16\. Sam and Adam are banned from complaining about angels.

17\. Dishes are to be cleaned by everyone, not just Sam (and Lucifer smiting them does not count)

18\. Repeating what someone just said with a high pitched whiny voice is banned.

19\. Brotherly moments are not to be mocked by the other people in the cage.

20\. Sam is not allowed to read anymore encyclopaedias, he's already a walking dictionary

21\. Watching any movie slightly religious (Like Constantine or Bruce Almighty) is banned if either Lucifer and/or Michael is also watching.

22\. Soccer is not to be played in the cage.

23\. Bagpipes are not allowed anywhere near Lucifer ... or Adam.

24\. Marley and Me is never to be read, watched or mentioned ever again. EVER.

25\. Pictionary is banned.

26\. Michael is banned from asking about human mating rituals – we know he's just trying to make us uncomfortable.

27\. No road hockey in the cage ... or actual hockey ... no hockey of any sort is allowed.

28\. Tennis is banned.

29\. No one is allowed to read the Winchester gospels. Especially if they then start quoting them in everyday life to annoy Sam.

30\. Never ask Lucifer and Michael to explain their brothers.

31\. No trampolines.

32\. No one is to pretend it is Tuesday again and again and again to see how Sam will react.

33\. No porn unless you are alone in the corner of Doom and even then leave a sock in the hallway or something because that is just mentally scarring.

34\. No Baseball.

35\. Michael is banned from drinking Tequila.

36\. Twister is banned because in Sam and Adam's opinion that game is only maybe slightly okay if there are girls around. And there isn't.

37\. Adam is banned from singing – he's even worse than Dean.

38\. Pets are not allowed.

39\. No Football.

40\. No one is allowed to mess with Michael's book collection, he will smite you.

41\. No pickles.

42\. No Apples

43\. No words starting with an X

44\. No salade dressing.   
  
45\. No no one is allowed to read a book starting with 'the'  
  
46\. No peanut butter

47\. No 'No'

48\. Lucifer is to be called the King of the Cage

49\. Onions are to be eaten every meal

50\. Sugar is to be worshiped

51\. Luciferday is now what we call Thursday

52\. No candy unless your name starts with L

53\. No eggs

54\. No beans

55\. Every day you need to say Lucifer is the best three times

56\. Rules forty-one to fifty-five do not count as rules, because Lucifer is an idiot.

57\. For rules to be established, it must have the support of at least one other people ... or proven to be dangerous to our well-being.

58\. Lucifer is not allowed to "dance", people will think he is having a stroke.

59\. Lucifer is not to just sit and smile at people ... it's creepy.

60\. Lucifer is not allowed to sing "Walking on Sunshine".

61\. Lucifer is not allowed to eat straight sugar. EVER.

62\. Jesus Christ Superstar's music is never to be played in front of Lucifer or Michael.

63\. Putting make-up on Adam when he is sleeping is now banned.

64\. Writing on a post-it note 'Kick Me' and sticking it on Sam's back is banned.

65\. Michael is never again to try and hug a human – it's awkward.

66\. Lucifer is banned from explaining to Sam just how much he screwed over his life, for Lucifer's own safety.

67\. Re-enacting scenes from the Winchester gospel's with fake-British accents counts as quoting the Winchester gospel's and therefore BANNED.

68\. Angel's in general are not allowed to hug humans, it's always awkward and it always backfires.

69\. Trying to create a swimming pool is banned.

70\. Everyone is to help with chores, not just Sam. Trying to smote dirt does not work.

71\. No one is allowed to wear pink and orange together.

72\. Creating finger-puppets and using them to 'illustrate' scenes from the Winchester Gospel is not a creative way for getting around rule #30 and is here-forth banned.

73\. Knock-knock jokes are never to be told around Michael, he does not get them.

74\. Flicking coins at people are banned.

75\. Adam is banned from trying to convince Lucifer to wear a man's purse.

76\. Lucifer will never be a stand-up comedian and he is not allowed to practice on us.

77\. Lucifer is banned from wearing a man's purse.

78\. Lucifer is banned from trying to convince Sam to wear a man's purse.

79\. Writing anonymous love notes to everyone is banned. There are only four of us; we all know who did it.

80\. Calendars are pointless.

81\. We are no longer allowed to call Sam 'girly' – he seems to take offense.

82\. Michael is not allowed to smite food just because he's bored.

83\. Comparing the Winchester Gospel's with Harry Potter and Star Wars is not a good idea for one's health.

84\. Hiding Lucifer's stuff might be fun, but then he gets all moody and is therefore banned.

85\. Lucifer is banned from cooking ever since he accidently dropped the knife and badly maimed Sam.

86\. Using sign-language to retell the Winchester Gospel is banned.

87\. Miming out scenes of the Winchester Gospel is also banned!

88\. Suggesting Sam take some therapy to get over his paranoia that Adam is constantly scheming to find ways to break the rules relating to the Winchester Gospels results in a black eye and is therefore banned.

89\. Michael is banned from dancing – and we thought Lucifer was bad.

90\. Making jokes about Sam's hair (asking about product, length, model pose, etc) is banned.

91\. We are only allowed to gamble with chocolate now due to the unfortunate incident regarding the sofa and Lucifer's pie.

92\. Adam is banned from attacking people with water balloons.

93\. Adam is banned from hiding in closets and jumping out at people.

94\. Lucifer is banned from taking up Adam's idea to jump out at people.

95\. Michael must explain what he's upset about, no more sitting and frowning at someone – it's creepy.

96\. Sam is not allowed to do obnoxious amounts of Math in one sitting.

97\. Adam is not allowed to start a class for Lucifer entitled 'Next Time You Get Topside You Should So Freak People Out Using These Techniques' (NTYGTYSSFPOUTT for short)

98\. Creating origami armies of creatures and using them to stage epic origami battles is fine, but will be banned if said person doing this complains about their paper cuts

99\. Never again should a human ever attempt to teach an angel about what people think angels are like – it will make them want to restart the apocalypse.

100\. Never try to teach Lucifer or Michael how to hula-hoop.

101\. Dying Michael's hair purple is banned.

102\. Convincing Lucifer the proper way to say thank you is by grabbing someone's butt and then convincing him to use that on Sam is banned (Adam I know this was you).

103\. Disney movies are banned.

104\. Sam is banned from eating burritos – he stinks up the place when he does.

105\. Sam and Michael can talk about their books all they want but are not allowed to drag Adam into it. If he had wanted to join a book club he would have damn-it.

106\. Trying to 'recreate' the ocean is banned.

107\. To add: trying to recreate a beach is also banned.

108\. Beach Volleyball is also banned.

109\. Music must be changed at least every ten years or we will go crazy.

110\. Trying to convince Michael that togas are not worn in modern everyday life is pointless and should just be dropped.

111\. Sam is not allowed to play poker, he is addicted and we are sick of losing

112\. Lucifer is not allowed to decorate the cage unsupervised.

113\. Trying to call a whale into the room is banned.

114\. Birthday wishes are allowed, but not pinches or hugs (as that contradicts rules #65 and #68)

115\. Despite the years spent in the cage, no one should smack-talk Dean in front of Sam, he still gets emotional.

116\. No more girly drinks.

117\. Creating songs as a re-telling of the Winchester Gospel's are also banned.

118\. Lucifer is not allowed to tell a funny story, he sucks at it.

119\. Prank wars are banned.

120\. Adam is banned from trying to corrupt the angels.

121\. Darts are banned.

122\. Tomatoes are to be eaten, not thrown at random people.

123\. Trying to recreate a tornado after watching Twister is banned.

124\. Michael is not allowed to attempt cooking. Sam's eyebrows are still growing back.

125\. Michael's "food" is not to be used as a weapon even if inedible.

126\. Asking Sam if there is any girl he's ever slept with who is still alive is rude, insensitive and will make him tear up. Therefore is banned (I'm looking at you Lucifer)

127\. Bonfires are banned; we accidently set Sam on fire.

128\. Deciding to throw goo is not hygienic nor a good idea and is therefore banned.

129\. We are never to break all the rules at the same time ever again ... And if we are the person whose bright idea that was must stay and help clean-up.


End file.
